dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
