Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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