I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
