Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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