In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
