you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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