ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
