Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
