I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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