i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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