when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
