I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
