apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
