This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
