im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
