I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
