Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
