Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
