8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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