Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
