He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
