I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
