There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
