I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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