I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
