Ambien. No doubt about it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
