now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
