he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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