I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
