yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
