No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
