I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she peed on how many people?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
