smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
