Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
