I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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