I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
