I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
