She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
