woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
