It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
