i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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