my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
