he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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