my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
