i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
