Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
