His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Randomize
