Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
