Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
