If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Couch. On fire.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
